I have been overwhelmed. Yet I feel like I have been overwhelmed for a long period of time. Just as people are telling me, “don’t worry, you’ll get through this” I feel like I always have things to “get through.” I am becoming increasingly tired with “getting through” just so i can “get through” some more things. I don’t want to get through college, I want to live it.
One of the things pressing on my heart and mind recently is whether or not to be a Resident Hall Ministry Coordinator next year. Next year will be my last year at SPU (give or take a few quarters more) and I want so many things out of it. I want to be an RHMC, I want to live in a house with my girlfriends, I want to fully be focused on my studies, I want…. Either way, I am torn. And the application for RHMC is due in two days. I just started to look at it today. But the beautiful thing about my decision today was my friend, and MY RHMC Hannah. I know God has placed being in ministry on my heart when I am brought to tears at words from someone who knows what potential I have. From someone speaking words I know God himself is saying to my heart. I love this program, I love loving people, and I want to do it all….but can I put all of this on my plate? Or is this just how I am feeling because of the overwhelming season I am in thats going on in my life right now?
So I’ll answer these application questions and really ask them of myself. I’ll be open to the people God is placing in my life to speak words of wisdom, comfort and encoyragement about what path I am supposed to take. Prayerfully will I go through this process, cause if I don’t take it to God, then why go through the process at all?
The RHMC issue is just one of the weights on my shoulders that I somehow won’t let go of: finances and money worry, schoolwork and exams, fundraising and meetings for India, being an engaged SMC for and with my girls, due dates and grades…
Today I got to take some time to pause and think about life in its wholeness though. Ash Wednesday. I got to go to a service in which we remembered how mortal we are, how everlasting God is, and how we can turn our focus towards our relationship with God over the Lenten season. I am going to let go of money worry and anxiety, and not do any unnecessary spending. This way I can turn my anxiety into trusting in God’s provision and letting God show me what I need and how I can depend on Him to meet all of my needs; in money, in future, in relationships, and even in my stress over schoolwork. So I bear an ash cross on my forehead to remind me of what it really means when God says he wants me for ETERNITY, and that I can devote my short, small life to further His great kingdom here on earth.
It is so good to know I am loved, especially amidst the stress, worry, brokenness, and uncertainty I feel. Thank you Father for your love, and for your children who love.